We’re continuing our series, “Masterpiece” today we look at “What is submission in Marriage?” A best man had the jitters about the toast at the reception, his friends tried to loosen him up by giving him a joke book to read and have some fun. It worked. At the reception, he stood up and toasted:
“One thing I know is that marriage is made in heaven, but then again, so is thunder and lightening.” Marriages can very challenging; it is easy to get frustrated with one another.
God has created men & women in such uniquely different ways! An email illustrates how men & women are unique. It was a debate on whether computers are male or female, referred to as him/her.
This list came from computer scientists who are male. Computers are female since:
*No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
*The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
*The message, “Bad Command or file name” is about as informative as “if
you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”
*As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.
That list was countered by a group of all female computer scientists, computers are male because:
*They have a lot of data but are all still clueless.
*They are suppose to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
*As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you’d waited a little longer,
you could have obtained a better model.
*In order to get their attention you have to turn them on!
The fact is, it doesn’t take us long to learn that if God didn’t give us some help in all of this male-female relationship, especially in the marriage, we would be in some hot water! And a lot of people are, because they haven’t turned to God for help.
Most of the problems in marriage can be traced to one thing: control. The majority of arguments between husbands and wives have to do with disagreements over who will get their way.
And many people interpret this text to support this kind of relationship. Men who do so say things like: “The husband should go out to earn the family’s daily bread and the wife should stay home and bake it.” or “The husband is CEO and the wife is custodian.”
There are two sides of this coin; sometimes it is the other way around. A woman was talking to her friend and said, “In our marriage I make all the minor decisions an my husband makes all the major ones.” The friend asked, “what decisions do you make?” “I decide how we spend our money, when we get a new car or furniture, where we shop, where we eat, where the kids go to school…” Well, said the friend, “What kind of decisions does your husband make?” “Real important ones like, who should be the next president or who should win the Super Bowl or the World Series.”
Here’s another example, The reason most men don’t bring the boss home for dinner is that she is already there!
When one spouse is subjugated forcefully to the authority of the other they often rebel or resist. They find some way to make their domineering spouse’s life miserable. When people abuse their authority—those who suffer look for a way to get even. It is a passive aggressive behavior.
This reminds me of a story about a domineering woman and her husband. The woman was gone part of the day and left a to do list for the husband and young son to do. While she was gone they went fishing instead of do the list. When the wife got home she began yelling and following her husband around yelling at him. He went into the bathroom with his son and locked the door. His wife yelled, “Come out here right now! I’m not done talking to you!” “No” the husband replied. Then he said to his son, I guess I showed her whose boss in this house!”
Today we will look at solution to the problems that come with control issues in marriage it is Ephesians 5. We are given God’s original blueprint—which contains a way for husbands and wives to move beyond power struggles by embracing a proper understanding of Biblical Submission.
Now before we go any farther I want to point out that this particular text can be very difficult to understand. In fact, these verses in Ephesians 5 have caused so much disagreement that many people ignore them all together. Most pastors steer clear of this text, fearing the conflict it may cause in their churches. That little six-letter word—submit—is one of the most disliked, and divisive words in the Bible.
But I don’t want us to do that—to steer clear of it because I believe we have to come to a proper understanding of this troublesome word if our marriages are to bring us the joy God intends. We simply must understand this word if we are to understand His blueprint!
Submission, what is it? Here’s the definition: “A Greek military term meaning “to arrange [troop divisions] in a military fashion under the command of a leader”. In non-military use, it was “a voluntary attitude of cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden”.” So the word, in its original context, means voluntarily cooperating.
So Paul’s instruction, then, is that husbands and wives should voluntarily give in and cooperate with each other.
Notice what Paul doesn’t say: he doesn’t use the word “obey,” which he does use for children and slaves in the next chapter. That word is stronger; there isn’t the same idea of it being voluntary. Though it may be a small point, I believe it is significant and demonstrates that Paul recognizes that the marriage relationship is one of equality.
- SUBMISSION IS FOR BOTH HUSBAND AND WIFE
You know, many times we fail to understand this text and apply it to our marriages because we begin at verse 22 instead of verse 21 where Paul plainly says to BOTH husband and wife,
Ephesians 5:21 “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (NIV)
Ephesians 5:21 “Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.” (Msg)
It’s up to BOTH partners in marriage to give & sacrifice!
The attitude is that of Christ who gave His all for us!
One young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noted that they had ordered one meal, & an extra cup. He watched, the older man carefully divide the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the cup & set that in front of his wife. The man then began to eat, & his wife sat, watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old guy said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, & everything has always been & will always be shared.” The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, & she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn with the teeth.” We are to both share in submitting. It should be a give and take. Not give and give by one partner and take and take by the other.
In our house, everything is not my way and everything is not Niki’s way. If it was my way, we would vacuum once a year instead of once a week. If it was my way we wouldn’t buy new furniture, we’d keep what we have. When we got married I had an orange velvet paisley couch. I thought we should keep it for our new home. Niki said, I love you but no! I found out with new furniture, “Hey this isn’t so bad, when I sit down my knees no longer touch my chin” or “wow, this new recliner is nice” If things were Niki’s way we would have the minimal yard and landscaping and it would probably be dead. She has found out that, “yeah, the yard is where we spend a lot of time, it does draw people outside when its nicely done, it does raise the value of our home.” Our last home sold quickly and the reason given was because they liked the yard. So we both learn to cooperate with one another and neither one of us controls every aspect of our family and we both benefit.
- SUBMISSION IS A CHOICE WE PERSONALLY MAKE
It doesn’t say, “Husbands, tell your wives to submit” — or, “Wives, tell your husband to love you like Christ.” If you use this verse like a club it will be used against you. In fact verse 22 is none of your business husbands, it is directed to the wife. You will have enough to worry about by focusing on verses 25-33!
Here what the wives are to do…
Wives are to relate to their husbands in light of their relationship to Jesus.
Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” (NIV)
Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ.” (Msg)
Wives are to treat their husbands as Jesus would want them to treat them. I mean, a godly wife should constantly be asking herself, “What would Jesus do?”
Here’s a rough—but I think accurate—paraphrase of what Paul is saying “As the church is constantly asking ‘what would Jesus want us to do’ in everything, wives should also be constantly asking, ‘what would Jesus have me do’ when it comes to relating to my husband.”
A question that might be on your mind, “do I cooperate with my husband if he is doing something immoral or sinful? Do I submit and go along?” No, nowhere in the bible are we told to cooperate with sin or go along with wrongdoing. We are also told to cooperate or “submit to governing authorities” (Romans 13) however we see that when the government tells us to do something that is contrary to scripture, God does not want us to disobey him to follow the government. For example: Shad-rack, Me-shack, and Abendego, in the book of Daniel where aids to the king of Babylon, the king made a golden statue and said to everyone to bow down and worship it. They said, no and the king said, then I’ll throw you into a fiery furnace, they said, fine. The king did and God protected them. The same thing happened to Daniel, a law was passed, “no one is to pray” This didn’t stop Daniel, he prayed and because he broke the law was thrown into a Lions den, again God protected him. We see this in the New Testament in Acts 6, the disciples are taken before the Sanhedrin who tell them, “do not teach about Christ” They replied it is better to obey God than you.
So in a marriage, submission is not going along with something that is wrong, it is not enduring abuse. This is not submission. Submission is choosing to meet the needs of your spouse, to show love to be Christ like, to be supportive. This is submission.
To husbands, now, wives, if you are uncomfortable with Paul’s instructions to you, relax: what he calls husbands to is worse. Notice first the difference in length – 3 verses compared to 9; 40 words compared to 115.
Its almost like the little girl who went to her first wedding. She asked her mom, “Why is the bride wearing white?” The mother replied, “white is the color of happiness and this is the happiest day of her life” The girl replied then why is the groom wearing black?”
Notice next the difference in what husbands are called to in vs. 25
- Husbands are to have a sacrificial love for their wives. Sacrificial love means a husband is willing to meet his wife’s needs even if it is costly, to the point of laying down his life for his wife.
Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (NIV)
Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting.” (Msg)
Now, guys that’s a nice, poetic way of saying, “Jesus chose to submit himself to the whip, the thorns and the nails for our benefit. That’s the example for you husbands to follow.” In short, Paul boldly says here that we men are to have a SACRIFICIAL love for our wives. Their needs are always to come before our own—even if it is costly for us to satisfy their needs. In fact, it means we are to be willing to lay down our very lives for our help-mates.
Well, this is the kind of love husbands are to have for their wives. We have plenty of opportunities to show our love as we learn to die to self-daily and put our wives’ needs first. One wife rightly told her husband, “I know that you’re willing to die for me; you’ve told me that many times. But while you’re waiting to die, could you just fill in some of the time by helping me with the kids or the dishes?”
Now, wives, can YOU imagine how wonderful it would be to have a husband who was always putting you first—who was constantly dying to self to make sure your needs are met?
Now I want to point out that service is what is remembered, it is what makes a mark, it is what lasts. Service is being most like Christ. Service is the definition of spiritual maturity. We were just at a funeral last week and I was looking at some of the grave stones, nowhere did it say, “he sure knew his bible, she went to a lot of conferences, he read a lot of books” No they said, “loving husband,” “loving father.” This is our legacy, this is what last, serving others is the most Christ like thing you can do.
3. SUBMISSION WORKS BEST WHEN WE VIEW OUR MARRIAGE BOND AS PERMANENT
Ephesians 5:31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” (NIV)
In verse 31 Paul quotes the book of Genesis which God says that in marriage, husband and wife LEAVE their families to CLEAVE to one another. For the sake of their love a man and a woman become one flesh. With this word picture Paul implies that they are united as the parts of a body are united and so they are to no more think of separating than they would think of tearing their own bodies apart. In fact the blueprint here in Genesis uses a Hebrew word that we translate as “cleave” and it literally means “to glue or to cling” in a PERMANENT sense. You see, God designed marriage to be a life-long union between one man and one woman who SUBMIT to each other all the days of their lives—until death do them part and if marriage is to succeed—if spouses are to EXPERIENCE the joy that God designed marriage to bring—well then brides and grooms must embrace this principle from the beginning.
4. SUBMISSION REQUIRES THE PRESENCE OF CHRIST IN MY LIFE
It is vital that we understand this because it is really impossible for a husband and a wife to submit to one another—and daily practice a sacrificial love—on their own power. if a husband is to love like Jesus, he must have personally experienced the love of Jesus. If a wife it to treat her husband, as Jesus would want her to she must know Jesus and have submitted Him herself. They each need Jesus living in and through them in order for them to practice true Biblical submission. Because Christ has been so patient with me, he waited and waited, he worked and worked in my life, because I have experienced his patience I can be patient with Niki. Because I have been forgiven so much, I can forgive Niki.
Ephesians 5:21 “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (NIV)
The word “submit” in verse 21 is not a command. The command is back in verse 18 where it says, “Be filled with the Spirit.” In other words, “Because you are filled with the spirit, you will be willing be to submit to your spouse.” Submitting to one another is an expression of being filled with the Spirit of God.
You see, if you are a disciple of Jesus, yielding to His lordship, then when a problem comes you’ll let Him take the lead—you’ll submit to what He would want you to do.
And it IS impossible to submit like this on your own strength. We have to draw on God’s power. So, as I have often told you, in marriage as God intends there are not two partners but three—and Jesus is the third.
“You see, these verses teach us that the answer to the power imbalance question—you know, “WHO IS IN CHARGE, HUSBAND OR WIFE?”—is really neither. The correct answer to that question is JESUS! He is in charge! He is the boss! He is the HEAD of any marriage just as He is the Head of the church!
And Paul is saying that no marriage will succeed unless both spouses believe this and SUBMIT to Jesus’ authority in their part of the relationship. Paul explains how this works itself out in marriage by first addressing the wife and then the husband.
Some narrow bridges at the front of the bridge have a sign posted: “YIELD.” From the other direction another YIELD sign is posted. Yield signs are placed at both ends of the bridge. Drivers from both directions are requested to give right of way. It was a reasonable and gracious way of preventing a head-on collision. When the Bible tells husbands and wives to “submit to one another” (Ephesians 5:21) it is simply a reasonable and gracious command to let the other have the right of way and avoid interpersonal head-on collisions.”
As I close this post, you may be here today and have never received Christ into your life. You might say, “I am uncooperative, I am selfish, demanding, I want to Christ to come in my life and begin to change me” By simply saying, “Christ, you have been so patient with me, so forgiving by dying on the cross for me, I want to receive you.” He will come into your life. Or perhaps you may want to hold your spouses hand and pray silently together, “Christ, we want you in our marriage, we don’t want our way, we want your way”
Darrell
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