If our faith in Christ is real, it will usually prove itself at home, in our relationships with those who know us best. Children and parents have a responsibility to each other. The fact that Paul took the time to directly address those who were regarded by some as the “lower” and “less important” members of society (wives, children, and servants) shows that he raised them to a level of importance and responsibility in the body of Christ. All Christians are to be responsible in their positions, living as Christ would have them live.
6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.NKJV Continuing the theme of Christian submission, Paul turned next to children. He assumed that children would be in the congregation of believers as this letter was read. By even addressing them—a segment of society that was considered to be virtually without rights—Paul elevated them and invested them with dignity and worth unheard of in the Roman world at the time. His command to them is simple: Obey your parents in the Lord. This is not an absolute command; when a parent tells a child to do something unbiblical, immoral, or unethical, the law of God supersedes the will of the parent. But aside from those extremes, children are to obey their mothers and fathers. This is the way God intends it. It’s easy to see the immediate practical benefits of this for both children and parents because parents usually really do know best.
The Greek word for children (tekna) refers to young children living at home (see also Colossians 3:20, where the same word is used). The word “obey” conveys a stronger demand than the submission required of wives (5:22). God requires children to obey because children need to rely on the wisdom of their parents. Jesus himself submitted to the authority of his earthly parents, despite his authority as the Messiah (Luke 2:51). All young children will, at times, disobey and test their parents’ limits. As they get older, they will understand why God wants them to obey. Obedience that recognizes parents’ authority can carry over into recognizing God’s authority. God’s plan for his people includes solid family relationships where there exists respect, obedience, submission, and love for one another. When both parents and children love God, all of them will seek to obey and please him.
| LIFE APPLICATION – PARENTS AND CHILDREN |
| The parent-child relationship is the arena in which the child is to learn to submit to and respect his elders and those in authority over him—including God. Do you require your children to obey you? Do you help other parents by setting a good example for them in this area? Don’t be misled or dissuaded by the media or our permissive culture. Let the Bible be the voice of wisdom that cuts through the noise of our society. If you love your children, teach them the value and blessings of obedience. |
6:2-3 “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”NKJV Paul added the authority of the revealed law to the natural law described in 6:1, quoting the fifth commandment, recorded in Exodus 20:12, Honor your father and mother. Obeying and honoring are different. To obey means to do what another says to do; to honor means to respect and love. Children are to obey while under their parents’ care, but they must honor their parents for life. Paul described this as the first commandment with promise, that of prolonged life, which he quoted in the remainder of the verse. How is this the first commandment with a promise? It is neither the first commandment, nor the first with a promise, since the second commandment carries a promise with it. Commentators offer many explanations. Two are most helpful: (1) This is the first commandment (after the first four, which are general commandments) that deals with social involvements and codes for behavior. (2) More likely, this is the first or primary commandment for children to follow, but it holds a promise applicable to them.
| LIFE APPLICATION – HONOR |
| Paul instructed children not only to obey their parents but to honor them as well. It is entirely possible to obey without honor—who hasn’t seen a child do what he or she is told, but with clenched fists and teeth and an “I’m only doing this because you’re making me” attitude? To honor is to go beyond obedience. It is to show respect and esteem for someone and to treat him or her with dignity. Children do not always agree with their parents (and that holds true for children of all ages), but they can always treat them with respect. It is incumbent upon parents to teach this to their children and to make it easier for them to do so by acting in respectable, honorable ways. |
The promise should not be the main motive for honoring parents; rather, the main motive should be to do God’s will, and the promise that accompanies the command indicates this. Paul adapted the promise recorded in Exodus 20:12 and Deuteronomy 5:16. As children obey the command to honor their parents, they show an attitude of love and respect that they carry over into their relationship with God. Such an attitude provides a community that helps provide for and protect the aged. On the individual level, as each person cares for older people, the elderly live longer, and the younger people help pass the values down to the next generation.
The word “honor” also refers to the attitude of slaves toward masters (1 Timothy 6:1), of husbands toward wives (1 Peter 3:7), and general attitude toward others, especially those in leadership (Romans 13:7). Jesus made this an unconditional demand (Mark 7:10-13). Some societies honor their elders. They respect their wisdom, defer to their authority, and pay attention to their comfort and happiness. Christians should act this way. Where elders are respected, long life becomes a blessing, not a burden to them. Paul instructed the church to be a community that cares for older people. This will be especially important as people in North America age. By the year 2021, one in six people will be over sixty-five years of age. Honoring our aging parents will be crucial as our Christian duty.
CHART: CHILDREN AND THEIR PARENTS
The Scriptures have much to say about how children should treat their parents.
| Who said it | Where it’s said | Do | Don’t |
| Moses in the Law | Exodus 20:12; Deuteronomy 5:16 | Honor and respect them |
|
| Exodus 21:15 | Attack them | ||
| Exodus 21:17; Leviticus 20:9 | Curse them | ||
| Deuteronomy 21:18-21 | Obey them | Rebel against them | |
| Solomon in the Proverbs | Proverbs 23:22 | Listen to them | |
| Proverbs 28:24 | Rob them | ||
| Proverbs 30:11 | Curse them | ||
| Proverbs 30:17 | Mock them | ||
| Jesus in the Gospels | Matthew 15:4-6; Mark 7:10-13 | Honor and provide for them | Curse and neglect them |
| Matthew 19:19 | Honor them | ||
| Mark 10:19 | Honor them | ||
| Luke 14:26 | Honor them above God | ||
| Paul in the Epistles | Ephesians 6:1 | Obey them | |
| Ephesians 6:2 | Honor them |
6:4 And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.NRSV Parental discipline should help children learn, not exasperate and provoke them to anger. In Colossians 3:21, Paul gave the same advice, adding that if children are disciplined in unloving and irresponsible ways, they may become discouraged and resentful. In families of Paul’s day, the father had full legal rights over his children and often ran his household with rigid control. In Jewish families, the fathers were responsible for the education of the children. Paul did not have to establish the fathers’ authority; rather, his aim was to set the limits on harsh treatment. Parenting is not easy—it takes lots of patience to raise children in a loving, Christ-honoring manner. But frustration and anger should not be causes for discipline. Parents can remove the exasperating effect of their discipline by avoiding nagging, labeling, criticizing, or dominating. Don’t goad your children into resenting you. Paul wrote specifically to fathers because, in that culture, fathers were the absolute head of the home, with complete control and authority. For Paul to say that they needed to treat their children as human beings and consider their feelings was revolutionary. As Christ changed the way husbands and wives related, so he changed the way parents and children related.
| LIFE APPLICATION – THE BALANCE |
| As he did with his instructions to husbands and wives, Paul now struck a balance with his advice to children by addressing their parents, especially fathers. Fathers (and mothers) are to teach their children to honor and obey, yes, but they are to do so in a way that does not “provoke [their] children to anger.” We may remember what it feels like to be exasperated or angered by an unreasonable or even cruel or abusive parent or parent figure. Paul warns parents not to do that to their own children. Teach them obedience and respect, yes, but do it in such a way as not to drive them to rage or despair. Martin Luther, whose own father was very strict, once wrote: “Spare the rod and spoil the child—that is true. But beside the rod keep an apple to give him when he has done well.” Check yourself: Do you try to encourage and praise at least as often as you scold or correct? |
Parents ought not provoke their children, and neither should they abandon their responsibility to guide, correct, and discipline them. Parents still have a job to do for their children—to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. The words “bring up” imply nourishing and cherishing. “Discipline” includes punishment for wrongdoing combined with persistent love (see Proverbs 13:24; 22:6, 15; 23:14), all as part of the instruction of a child. We must explain appropriate behavior to our children, correct them as they disobey, and encourage them when they obey. Both discipline and instruction are focused in “the Lord,” for God-fearing parents desire God-fearing children. Thus, discipline and instruction are given in the context of the parents’ relationship with the Lord, as described in the Old Testament:
- Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. (Deuteronomy 6:5-9 niv)
Discipline and instruction in the Lord form the foundation for bringing up children.
| LIFE APPLICATION – TEACH |
| After the negative command (“Do not provoke your children to anger”), Paul adds an affirmative one: “Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” We must also be diligent to give them the instruction and encouragement so vital to their upbringing. William Hendrickson put it this way: “The heart of Christian nurture is to bring the heart of the child to the heart of his Savior.” Do you read the Bible to your children? Do you tell them the great stories of the heroic men and women of the faith who’ve gone before? Do you pray for and with them daily? Do you take them to worship, Vacation Bible School or kid’s classes, and let them see how important your involvement in the church is to you? Can they see the difference Christ makes in your life? |
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Source:
Bruce B. Barton et al., Life Application Bible Commentary – Ephesians, (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale, 1996), WORDsearch CROSS e-book, Under: “EPHESIANS 6”.
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