In any relationship that you have, you will have anger: it’s inevitable. Because people make mistakes and we disagree. The key is how you handle your anger. We do some sinful things because of anger. How many of you have done something you regretted later because you were angry? We will look at our anger and how to manage it today. Lets look at some anger facts.
- Anger is a normal human emotion.
Anger is real. It’s not only emotional. It is biochemical, which means there’s something inside our body that takes place, which tells me that God created it. If all of our bodies, something happens inside and we get this defense mechanism. It’s God’s way of protecting us so we won’t be vulnerable to the world. So don’t feel guilty for getting angry. Admit it: “I get angry.”
Anger is not bad. Anger is not sin. When you have the idea that a Christian should never get angry that is not only unreasonable, it’s unbiblical because even God gets angry. It’s not how you get angry it’s what you do with your anger that makes it a sin or not. He says learn to get angry without sinning.
- God got angry (375 times in O.T.) and Jesus got angry. (Mark 3:5, John 2:14-17)
Some commentaries call Jesus’ anger, “righteous indignation” Ok, he was angry. In fact, if you never get angry in a relationship it means you’re not in touch with reality. There are some things you ought to get angry about. Sometimes anger means, “I care!” Sometimes anger is an expression of love.
- Anger is a response to hurt, fear or frustration.
Basically it boils down to three primary emotions – hurt, fear and frustration. It’s like in elementary school when you were introduced to the color wheel. There are three primary colors – red, blue and yellow, and all the other colors are made up of those.
- Anger in the Bible: (normal or sinful)
“orge” (anger) – healthy, normal. (Mark 3:5)
“thumos” (rage) – unhealthy, hurtful, sinful. (Galatians 5:20)
Or Intense heat translated Rage – used to describe a short fused-intense-explosive-uncontrolled anger. It’s a “fly off the handle,” “let it all out temper blowout.” that leaves you and everybody around you torn to pieces. We try to excuse it by saying, “I know I lose my temper real fast, but it’s all over in a few minutes.” So is a bomb explosion, but an awful lot of damage can take place in those few minutes.
Will Rogers once commented, “People who fly into a rage seldom make a good landing.”
“When you lose your temper, you always lose.”
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and rage?” Let me show you.”
With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?” The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial”
“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. Now watch….” The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father. “Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what rage is” He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!” The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?
Here in these verses we will also see some other examples of sinful anger, such as bitterness, clamor and slander. Think of anger as either normal or sinful. Next realize that…
2. Anger Must be Dealt With
What does the Bible say about how to deal with your anger?
I need to stop denying it, stop pretending it’s not there. When I’m angry I just need to say, “I’m angry” Ephesians 4:25-26 “”Each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully, “In your anger do not sin”:
It says, There’s a right way to get angry and there’s a wrong way. There’s an appropriate way and an inappropriate way. He says learn to get angry without sinning.
He says, “put off falsehood and speak truthfully”. In other words, it’s wrong to deny it when you’re angry. I’m bad about this, Something will be bothering me and Niki can tell, She’ll say, what’s wrong, I’ll say nothing. No, what’s wrong? And then she helps me work through it.
The Bible says that anger isn’t a sin, but lying about it is. When you’re angry and you won’t admit it, now you’re sinning. Because that’s called lying. The starting point is to admit my anger. I can’t work on it until I admit it.
Doctors say that the number one cause of depression is anger. Depression is often frozen anger. It is angry feelings stuffed down, taking itself out on my body in the form of depression. Some of you who are depressed should stop saying to yourself, “Why am I depressed?” and say, “What am I angry about?” Because that’s the real issue. What am I angry about and I don’t want to admit? What am I swallowing in anger that’s causing me to be depressed. The issue is not how to eliminate anger from your marriage but how to express it appropriately. We’re either hurt, fearful or frustrated. What’s causing the hurt? The fear or the frustration? Can they we discussed or dealt with? Address them honestly.
Also know how you typically react:
When it comes to dealing with anger everybody falls into one of three types. When God puts couples together He usually puts the different types together.
Some of you are alligators. With an alligator, you know exactly where they stand. They let you know. And when they’re upset they don’t mind bowing up, showing their teeth, growling. Everybody knows how they feel.
On the other hand, some of you are turtles. When conflict comes you pull back into your shell. Turn in to yourself. You withdraw. You become distant. You back out of the relationship.
Some of you are snakes. The snake is the person who will bite you on the heel, or throw darts at you, sarcastic little jibes at you. They’re passive aggressive, they will bite you later with anger stored up.
Don’t procrastinate dealing with it. Don’t put it off. Don’t delay it. Ephesians 4:26-27 “Never let the sun set on your anger or else you will give the devil a foothold.” We are supposed to resolve each day’s anger as it comes. Be willing to put the time into resolution. Some are not willing to stay at the table until issues are talked about until real feelings are allowed to be expressed and dealt with and solutions begun to be hammered out. It takes time. The Bible says Don’t go to bed with unresolved anger. Or when Niki and I would get into a fight after the sun already went down, we would deal with it within a 24 hour period.
Three phases of an argument.
Phase One is recognition When you recognize that there’s a problem. There’s a recognition between you that there’s something that needs to be dealt with. Remember either hurt, fear or frustration led to the anger.
You ask the questions and say, “Am I hurt? Am I fearful? Am I frustrated? What is the root cause?” and deal with that in order to manage your anger.
Phase Two is called reaction. When you react to the problem. For gators it can get loud, for turtles they pull back, the silent treatment, for snakes watch out, they’re going to get passive aggressive or bite later.
What do I really want in this situation? What is my goal? What is my objective in this situation? Respect, understanding? Blowing up is rarely the best way to get anything. Neither is clamming up. Or Manipulation. These are inappropriate expressions of anger.
Phase Three is resolution. I’m reminded of the husband who after 50 years of marriage was asked the secret for the longevity of their relationship as husband and wife. He said they had only had one fight. When asked to elaborate he replied, “The fight started on our honeymoon and I’m still waiting for it to end.” They obviously didn’t know how to resolve their differences!
Resolution is when you continue to hang in there together until you decide what it is that you’re both upset about and what it is that needs to happen to change or start resolving that situation.
The problem is most people stop at Phase Two. Most people stop right there at the loud angry hostile stage which turns to bitterness, slander and unforgiveness. And that’s as far as they get. In fact, in phase 2, more problems can be started angry words or actions. Move to the solution, Phase Three — talking about why you both feel the way you do.
The devil wants us to hold on to our anger. He wants us to let it build resentments. He wants us to embrace our rage long enough for him to use it to destroy our marriages and relationships. So, as someone once put it, “Do not erect a shrine to your anger in your heart. If you do, the devil will appoint himself its priest.”
Be angry-but do not sin. Express your anger in appropriate ways, which means lovingly, honestly talking to your spouse in a way that attacks the problem-not her or him. And do this quickly. Don’t let it drag on for days or weeks.
3. Anger Management (Good, Bad & Ugly)
God’s word tell us to manage our emotions, words and actions.
Look at verse 29 where it says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs.” Verse 32 adds to this, saying, “Be kind and compassionate to one another. “
U.S. News And World Report cites a 20-year study of 2,000 married couples, in which researchers have uncovered another predictive factor in determining which couples will stay married for the long haul. The study showed that if you want to have a marathon marriage, then you need to work at maintaining a 5-to-1 ratio of positive to negative comments. Kind, positive interactions like complimenting, smiling, and touching must outnumber negative comments like sarcasm or put-downs by a ration of 5-to-1. So for every negative, hurtful, discouraging thing you say to your spouse, you should say five loving, helpful, encouraging things. You must be kind far more than you are unkind.
Now, let me break this down for you and give you a few examples of what I mean when I say, “be kind”.
First, don’t yell. Remember, the louder your words are, the less your mate will hear.
Second, don’t say mean things. The uglier our words, the less we will communicate. Unfair criticism chips away at our spouse’s dignity-especially us husbands. It leaves us with less strength to love our spouses. It makes us defensive.
An elderly man lay in a hospital with his wife of 55 years sitting at his bedside. “Is that you, Ethel, at my side again?” he whispered. “Yes, dear,” she answered. He softly said to her, “Remember years ago when I was in the Veteran’s Hospital? You were with me then. You were with me when we lost everything in the fire. And Ethel, when we were poor-you stuck with me then too.” The man sighed and said, “I tell you Ethel, you are bad luck!”
Don’t be like this grumpy old man. Don’t say mean things to your spouse!
Third, do little things to express your love. Now, we men love to do big grandiose things-but what most wives love best is consistent little things, being nice in little ways day after day.
Fourth, don’t use words like “always” and “never.” “You never take out the garbage.” “You always forget to pick up the kids.”
I say this because statements like this are always false, never true. Generalizing like this encourages the conflict to continue and even fan it up to the next level. Plus these words are anything but kind.
Fifth, express hurt, not hostility.
And the best way to do this is to use “I messages” instead of “you messages.” When you say, “I feel, such and such a way, ” -well you are being less inflammatory. You’re not judging or accusing. You’re owning your own feelings. Plus you are opening the door for further discussion and practical problem solving. For example, “I feel overwhelmed by household responsibilities,” is much better than saying “You never help me around the house.” So, express hurt not blame.
Verse 31 says, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away, ” These are other expressions of sinful or ugly anger: bitterness is stored anger, wrath acts out, clamor is loud or forceful anger, slander is verbal anger and they must be thrown out like we take out the garbage. Period. Put it out. Throw it out. “Get rid of.”
As mentioned earlier anger is a very powerful emotion God gave us to… The problem is when we use that very powerful emotion in the wrong way. Then it becomes dangerous. Have you ever noticed the difference between “anger” and “danger” — it’s just the letter “d” in the front. Anger expressed inappropriately is dangerous. Anger expressed inappropriately can completely destroy lives, can destroy jobs, can destroy relationships. It’s common knowledge that most of the murders that are committed in our country every year are not committed by strangers. Most of the murders are committed by family members, relatives, friends, acquaintances who, for one tiny moment, allowed that powerful emotion to be out of control.
Also, it’s not appropriate to make public, private disputes. With this kind of childish behavior you humiliate each other-a very unkind thing to do-and you make reconciliation next to impossible. And if that weren’t enough, you divide the church as people who witness your disputes take sides. Unless it is a case of abuse, keep your disagreements to yourselves.
Remember, we transform our spouses and relationships by simply loving them enough to treat them with respect and courtesy.
and finally…
As Paul says in verse 32, “forgive each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.“
When spouses find themselves embroiled in a fight they must both remember that the goal is not to see who wins-but to be reconciled. We’re not trying to win arguments; we’re trying to win hearts! So spouses must be committed to resolving the issue and restoring harmony. You say “I’m sorry” over and over and over again. You say, “I forgive you.” over and over and over again
Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is an act of the will. It’s saying, “I love you-and I value our marriage. Our relationship is important to me. I draw strength from it so I want it to be healthy. I want it to glorify God, so I choose to forgive you!” Forgiveness is not easy. It goes against our sinful nature. Love is a lot of work!
We must learn to do the hard work of forgiving and forgetting.
An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spotted a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant went over to the turtle, picked him up in his trunk and hurled the turtle far into the jungle. The crocodile turned to the elephant and said, “What did you do that for?” The elephant answered, “That turtle bit me 50 years ago.” The crocodile could hardly believe it and said, “And you remembered him after all these years? Boy you sure have a good memory.” “Yep,” said the elephant. “Turtle recall.”
Too many of us as spouses have memories that are too good! We say we forgive-but what we really do is remember our spouse’s shortcomings and bring them up again when we want to. We won’t succeed in marriage with that kind of memory. No. To have the kind of relationship that God intends, both spouses must develop the ability to forgive, and forget. Remember, in 1 Corinthians 13, it says that Godly love ” keeps no record of wrongs.”
Lastly, we forgive, as Christ forgave us. How has Christ forgiven us? Completely, totally and sacrificially. Our relationship with Christ effects all other relationships.
How does Jesus Christ help me heal my anger? He deals with the root causes. He heals the hurts. He relieves the frustrations. He calms the fears in life. When Jesus fills you with His love it pushes everything else out. I have discovered that when I am filled with anger, almost anything will tick me off. When I’m filled with the love of Christ, almost nothing irritates me. It just doesn’t bother me. I have an ability to handle things because I’m filled with love.
When the world puts pressure on you whatever is inside of you is what’s going to come out. It’s like toothpaste. You squeeze that toothpaste tube, whatever is inside of it is going to come out. When you’re filled with anger and the world puts pressure on you, anger is going to come out. But if you’re filled with the love of Jesus Christ, when the world puts pressure on you, what’s going to come out is Jesus Christ and His love.
Have you ever considered this, part of the reason for your anger is that you are expecting other people to meet needs that God wants to meet in your life? You’re looking to other people to fill a hole, an emptiness that only God can fill anyway. When they can’t fill it, and they can’t meet all your needs, you’re mad at them. There is no person in the world that was ever meant to meet all your needs. Because every human being is imperfect. There are some needs in your life that only Jesus Christ can meet. Let Him meet your needs and help you defuse your anger.
Darrell
www.Upwards.Church
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