Upwards Church

Relationships:  your greatest spiritual asset or your worst spiritual curse.  The right people will encourage you and equip you. The wrong people can be distracting and destructive.

Can you can think of someone who is a always critical, always griping and constantly tempting you? Could you honestly say, “When I’m with this person, I feel worse about myself and life rather than better?

I think that is why the Apostle Paul said this in 1 Corinthians 15:33, Do not be misled. 

I think he said this because It’s so easy to be misled. We may think; ‘Hanging out with this person is not that big of a deal, I’m just trying to be their friend.” The bible says,

Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”  1 Corinthians 15:33

Here are two principles to effectively and Biblically reduce damaging relationships.

 1. SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

What does a boundary do? A boundary keeps the bad out and it keeps the good in. It’s not that the people are just horrible.  But there may be one part of the relationship that is dangerous, certain things that are said that you want to keep out.

Now some of you are thinking, ‘Oh, this doesn’t sound very Christian! , isn’t that the wrong thing to do?  Shouldn’t we be loving?’

Actually setting a healthy boundary is a very Christ-like thing to do. Think about this; Jesus loved everyone equally, but He did not treat everyone equally. He recruited 12 people to be His disciples, not 200. When He would go into a town to heal people, He would heal a few people out of the crowd and then He’d leave and sometimes He wouldn’t heal everybody.

Think about how He handled the Pharisees, the religious hypocrites. He had boundaries all of the time with them, “I’m not listening to you, I’m not telling you everything, I’m keeping you at an arm’s length.’ He had boundaries.

He even had boundaries with His very closest friends whenever they tried to take Him away from doing something God wanted Him to do.

Think about Peter, one of the most on-fire Jesus guys.  Jesus says; ‘I’m going to have to give my life and die for you.’  And Peter, with good intentions says, ‘No! You can’t die!

And look at what Jesus said as He put up a very firm boundary with Peter, Matthew 16:23:

Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.”  Matthew 16:23

In other words Peter, what’s you’re saying, it’s damaging. Even though you don’t mean it, the spiritual enemy is working through you to try to take me off of God’s best. ‘Get behind me Satan, I am not going to let you trip me up!’

Now, I do not recommend that you say to your mother-in-law, “Get behind me, Satan!”

But, what you have to do is be willing to set up some healthy boundaries for God’s bigger plan in your life.

The second thing you have to do if they continue to pollute is:

2.  SEPARATE FROM THE DAMAGING RELATIONSHIP

Now, I want to be very, very clear, I am not talking about divorce. This is not a marriage issue.

If you have a damaging marriage, it’s something both of you need to work on.  Go to a counselor, go to your Growth Group Coordinator,  you work through it.

*I’m also not talking about separating from your family. I’ve got to be honest, I think this is so sad to see how often a parent will say, ‘I’m writing my child off!’ Or to see a child, ‘I’m never speaking to my Dad again!’ No, I am not talking about family. I am not talking about covenant of marriage. You work through the pain.  The only time you’re going to separate is when there is a threat of extreme abuse and you are doing it for safety.   Jesus allows a separation from a spouse for adultery, nothing else.   (Matthew 19:9) None of this, ‘Well she said…, so we are not talking anymore!’ No, you work it through with spouse or family. I’m talking a broader set of relationships.

Here’s an example of a healthy separation from scripture.   Paul and Barnabas, they disagreed about one guy going on a mission trip. They clearly disagreed.” And because of their disagreement, they couldn’t continue to minister effectively because they were disagreeing.

So they just said, ‘Let’s go our separate ways. It was all on good terms. ‘You go minister there, I’ll go here.’ And they parted ways so that they could be more effective. (Acts 15:39-40)

In another example, the bible says,  “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?  2 Cor 6:14-16

In other words don’t partner up with nonbelievers. You want to have as many non-Christian friends that you can have, as you minister to them. But you are not going to date them if you are a Christian, you are certainly not going to marry them if you are a Christian, you are not going to become partners in a business deal, because ultimately you should have very different values.

Another great example of this when Joseph, in the Old Testament, was serving and honoring Potiphar’s family. Anything the family needed he was there for until Potiphar’s wife asked him to do something very inappropriate. She made a move on him sexually.  Watch as he immediately separate from this:  Scripture says:

(Potiphar’s wife) caught (Joseph) by his cloak and said, “Come to bed with me!” But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house. Genesis 39:12

She’s grabs clothes and he’s leaving them! Notice what he didn’t do. Notice he didn’t say, ‘Oh well, obviously you have a spiritual challenge, may I sit down and hold hands with you and pray with you about this and ask the Lord to deliver you from your lust issues.’ He didn’t do that. Yet sometimes that is what people do. He realized, this could be very, very dangerous and separated immediately.

Some modern examples:  If you are a teenager and someone is sending inappropriate sexual texts. You draw a healthy boundary, ‘Stop! I don’t want to see another one of those!’ If they continue, block them, change your number, tell a school counselor.  This is a healthy separation.

You’ve got a business partner and they are want to do something very unethical. You say, ‘No. We are not going to do that. They insist;  ‘It’s going to drive up profits.’ You say, ‘I can’t continue in this relationship. I will buy you out, you buy me out, but I am not going to compromise my values. Let’s  go our separate ways. I will still be nice to you but we are not going to be business partners.’

Flirting at the office:  If you are married and someone is flirting with you, that is damaging. You separate, transfer to another department. You do not go to break together, lunch together or travel together.  Separate or there is damage.

Ladies, you may be dating someone. He is a jerk, everybody knows it and tell you.   You can’t continue with someone who is obviously not God’s best. You say, ‘I am not settling for a fixer-upper. I am not going to insult God to say he couldn’t bring me someone special.  You break up. You have faith that God is going to bring you someone better.

If someone continues to tear you down and push you morally, you break it off. I am separating from you.  It sounds harsh, but there are times when you need to do this.

The reason you are doing it is so that you can be like Jesus, who at times would set a boundary so He could go be with God for prayer, one time it was for 40 days and 40 nights. So He could be so full of God and so full of His love and so full of His presence and so full of His Spirit. So that Jesus could then with strength go full on into a damaging world and help those who were hurting and open blind eyes and heal death ears and love the unlovable and touch the lepers, because He was so full of God’s presence.

This isn’t a self preservation, I’ve got to stay away from those dangerous people, this is an I’ve got to do what it takes to be so full of God that I can go and give His love to everyone who needs Him in the world. But you will never be able to do that if you continue to let the bad company corrupt your good character.

There are those of you who need to hear from the Spirit of God today.  You know it’s time to create a healthy boundary, or separate from damaging relationship so that you can please God.

Darrell

www.RidgeFellowship.com

Living a life that is honoring to God in the middle of a sin-oriented culture is a challenge. How can we resist temptation? I don’t think there’s a single answer. But I do believe there are five practical keys to avoiding damaging behaviors.

1.    Recognize dangerous habits.

Do you channel surf or internet surf late at night? Do you walk down the candy aisle at the supermarket when you’re struggling to rein in your appetite? Do you rush to get the mail, hoping to see the Victoria’s Secret catalog before your wife does? Do you regularly hang out with people who make light of your desire to grow in Christ, who dismiss you as a prude? Be honest with yourself and, if necessary, with someone else about the ways you flirt with temptation. For some of us, that will mean taking a closer look at the way media and entertainment choices expose us to temptation. We may also need to look carefully at how certain relationships influence us. Seemingly innocent and small decisions can affect our lives significantly.

We also need to recognize that we are particularly exposed to temptation when we’re out of our normal life rhythms. For example, traveling, illness, and working overtime can leave us more vulnerable to temptation. We must make plans in advance to protect ourselves during these vulnerable times.

2.    Be accountable.

If you’re struggling to resist temptation, share your struggle with others. This is why Growth Groups are so vital.  “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective” (James 5:16). When we choose to be accountable, we’re making a commitment to tell others the truth about our struggles and then healing begins. We have to be honest about our sin before we can begin to battle it effectively.

3.    Transform my thinking.

If we hope to resist temptation consistently, we must replace worldly thinking with God’s thoughts, found in His Word. His ideas of right and wrong, His promises, and His teaching must saturate our souls. Romans 12:1–2 says,

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Regular exposure to truth is the only thing that—with the power of the Holy Spirit—has the capacity to combat the alluring lies of our culture about what will really satisfy us.  Take time regularly to get into God’s word.

4.    Exercise self-discipline.

Self-control in other areas of life will help us resist temptation. We may need to examine our sleep, eating, work, and entertainment habits. If major areas of our lives are out of control, sin becomes a more attractive option. Disciplines such as silence and fasting can help us bring our appetites under control.   Paul recognized the need to control his body and discipline himself for the sake of righteousness. “I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize” (1 Cor. 9:27).

5.    Rely on God’s faithfulness.

God promises that we will never face a temptation we cannot resist:

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. —1 Cor. 10:13

This important promise undercuts any tendency to rationalize our sin by saying, “That’s just the way I am.” God has promised strength to be obedient. Too often we surrender to the first whisper of temptation instead of relying upon the strength God has provided to resist it.

Darrell

www.RidgeFellowship.com

Source: adapted from an article in Discipleship Journal

Have you ever said something you regretted?  Who hasn’t   The old saying, “sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you” just isn’t true. Words do hurt, badly.

Ephesians chapter 4 has very practical things to say about our words. Paul focuses on the believer’s speech in terms of its truth, its tone, and its motivation.

Damaging Words

The bible emphasizes that certain words must be cut from our vocabulary as followers of Christ: “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouths…” Ephesians 4:29a (NKJV). Corrupt is literally what is rotten, putrid or worthless.  Applied to language and relationships, it points to words that spoil relationships, poison another’s influence, or corrupt another’s character.

How often do we verbally poison those to whom we would not think of giving a toxic substance? Consider the poison of negativity, in the forms of sarcasm or complaining.  How subtly parents poison their children’s confidence and imaginations by being negative or critical.  How effectively employers spoil employees’ creativity by meeting every new idea with, “That won’t work here!”

But probably the most common form of evil talk is trading gossip. When our words soil someone else’s reputation or worth, or when our stories attract attention to others’ failures and weaknesses, we’re slandering a person made in the image of God.  We’ve stooped to new level of low.

But no matter what form bad mouthing takes, Paul makes it clear that God’s children are meant for better things. He then spells out four characteristics of a Christ follower’s words:

Good Words

The defining feature of a believer’s words is that they are good words. Only conversation that has the quality of goodness is appropriate for God’s children. Here’s a useful test to apply before we speak: Is what I’m about to say truly good? As an old Quaker used to say, “Never break the silence unless you can improve on it.”  My mom used to say, “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.”  Here’s how to speak good words:

• Be Constructive   “…only what is useful for building up…” Ephesians 4:29 b (NRSV)

According to Paul, our words as believers are not only good, they are good for something:

“good for building up,” or “good for improvement.”

Each of us knows instantly when someone’s comments are constructive or not. Often it depends not so much on what is said as the way it is spoken.

• Be Appropriate   “…as fits the occasion…” Ephesians 4:29 c (ESV)

It is possible to offer good words, even constructive words, which are not helpful for the needs of the moment.

Knowing just what to say, and just how to say it, is never easy, but is our goal. As today’s gospel on legs, God’s voice to our generation, we must recognize how crucial the timing of our words.  A word of thanks at the right time is better than after the fact. Standing up for a friend who is being put down is better at the time than a week later.

In relationships the issue is never to communicate or not to communicate, but always what kind of communication to offer.  Something is going to be heard, and it may be false and distorted inferences.  What is needed most in difficult circumstances such as loss is not talk but a warm touch. An appropriate hug or touch can be powerful to those who are afraid or brokenhearted. In some situations the most eloquent words are not words at all, but rather the simple power of your presence.

• Be Gracious    “…that it may give grace to those who hear. “ Ephesians 4:29 d (ESV)

Grace is the unearned favor of God. Words that “impart grace to those who hear,” are words that are concerned not with what others deserve or have a right to, but with what others need. Grace-talk takes many forms.  The category of gracious words has less to do with vocabulary lists than with attitudes of the heart.

In America we have a lawyer for every 350 people which makes us the most litigious society on earth. In such an atmosphere gracious words may seem like the language of wimps.

But grace-talk is not the language of wimps, but of winners. The notion that in relationships victory goes to those who demand their rights, is not true.

The human personality, as Sidney Harris has pointed out, it is not an apple that has to be polished, but a banana that has to be peeled. And the reason we remain so far from one another, the reason we neither communicate nor interact in any real way, is that most of us spend our lives in polishing rather than peeling. We shine the surface: appearance, clothes, manners, charisma. Our focus is on selling the package, not the product. It takes courage and strength to love, to risk, to be vulnerable to the peeling process of authentic self-disclosure and discovery. In today’s culture, the wimp is the relational Scrooge who is too afraid to risk.

That is why perhaps the greatest form of grace-talk we may practice today is the simple phrase, “Will you forgive me?” Built into this almost miraculous formula is grace as a gift of forgiveness that is beyond our human capabilities, plus an awareness of the shared ground for all forgiving: the undeserved forgiveness we have received.

Gracious words are concerned with words as gifts, not payments. Grace-talk is the Christian’s way of spreading around God’s undeserved gift of forgiveness.

Instead of using our words to damage our words can bring light and truth to the dark world around us. As believers, we can create a counter-revolution with words that are good, that are constructive, that are appropriate and timely, and that bring unearned joy to the hearers.

Darrell

www.ridgefellowship.com

Source: Adapted from an article in Discipleship Journal, by JERRY HARVILL who teaches speech communication at the University of Kentucky in Lexington, Kentucky.