Improving Communication

A research project was conducted in which about 240 counseling agencies across the country were asked to identify the primary problem that their counselors encountered. It was reported that almost 80 percent of the problems brought to the agencies concerning marriage and family life had to do with communication… [1]

 So, if communication is a problem for families, let’s look at it briefly.  What family therapists have discovered is it’s not so much that communication is difficult in the family today, as that it’s LACKING. We don’t do enough of it.

Another common problem is that communication can shallow or superficial.  Communication among our families ideally should get to the feeling level.  The feeling level is where connection happens.

Here are the five levels of communication:

1. Facts — It’s 80 degrees and sunny today.”

2. Events — “The Spurs played a great game yesterday.” A little more stimulating, but nothing deep is really exchanged between us.

3. People — “Susie had a toothache.” John dislikes Aggies.” “Bill got a new job.” These are much more engaging, but be careful not to gossip.

4. Ideas — “I believe that Jesus Christ is God’s Son and Savior of the world.” Say that to someone, and suddenly you’re sharing some very stimulating material. The conversation can go deep or it can get heated, but ideas are exchanged and we share much more of ourselves in it.

5. Feelings — “I’m hurt today.” “I’m tired.” “I’m happy, bored, jealous, excited.”  This is where we live. This is where it gets deep.

As I read through the gospels about I see that Jesus was not only a good speaker; He was a great question-asker. In John 1, instead of focusing on Himself, the Bible says He turned to the men following Him and asked, “What do you want?” (John 1:37)

This might seem like an obvious question, but how often do we ask those we love, “What do you want?”

Think through some of the best conversations you’ve ever had, where you felt really connected to and known by the person you were talking with. I’m guessing the reason the conversation went well and went deep is because they asked good questions.   A good use of questions will get down to the feeling level.

Here are some good questions: 

1.   How are you (really)?

2.   What was your high point of the day? What was your low point?

3.   What was your strongest feeling today?

4.   What’s your favorite ___________? (color, place, memory, vacation, sport, hobby, movie, country, time of day, etc.)

5.   How did that feel?

6.   Tell me more about that.

7.   What would you like to do if time and money were no objects?

8.   Tell me about your life at ____ years old.

9.   List three people who have influenced you significantly.

10. What is God teaching you these days?

11. What are you reading in the Bible?

12. What are you reading, besides the Bible?

13. What would you like to talk about right now?

14. If I could do something to make you happy, what would it be?

15. Which means the most to you: when I do something nice for you, say something nice to you, give something nice to you, give you a nice experience, or touch you?

16. What skill or discipline would you like to master?

17. What’s on your “bucket list”?

18. Which of your ancestors would you like to meet?

19. What one fear would you like to conquer?

20. If God would grant you one wish, what would it be?

21. How can I pray for you?

22. What kind of business would you like to start?

23. What one thing would you like to change about yourself?

24. If you could give God one worry or concern, what would it be?

25. What’s the biggest challenge you’re facing?

Deep inside we all want to know and be known by those we love. With a little effort and creativity, we can achieve both.

Darrell

www.ridgefellowship.com

Source:  Adapted from To Save a Family by Hal Seed


[1] Jay Kesler, ed., Parents and Children (Victor Books, 1987), p. 57.

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Jesus Can Strengthen Me

Do you ever have trouble finishing what you started? Like a diet, exercise plan or project?  I do.  In those times it’s easy to get discouraged or feel like a loser.

Jesus finished all that God gave him to do.  Listen to his last words….

Knowing that all was now completed, and so that the Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said…”It is finished.” With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit. John 19:28 & 30

He completed what God sent Him to do. The sacrifice was perfect. The debt had been paid in full. The best news for all of us is that Jesus finished the work. The bad news is that we have unfinished business.  If your heart is beating, you have unfinished business. There is more that God wants to do in you and through you.

Have you ever heard the phrase, “It wasn’t his time yet” in reference to a close call with death?  It’s biblical.  “Every day of my life was recorded in your book.  Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed” Psalm 139:16.  God knows each day we will be alive, and if you’re alive He has work for you to finish.   He will give you strength to do it.

Do you know what your unfinished business is?  Perhaps it’s to finish school, raise your kids to know Christ, provide your family a godly heritage, or minister to a group of people such as kids, youth or the poor.  Maybe it’s to use your talents to make a difference in His kingdom or in His church.  Since God has put this on your heart, how do we finish our work?  Two Things are imperative:

  1.  Make a Commitment.

You may be thinking, “I’ve done that! I’ve made a commitment!” Have you?  In our culture commitment is often seen as an eager willingness, but that isn’t commitment.

Here’s a good picture of commitment from history, In Spring of 1519, Hernando Cortez  sailed from Spain with 11 ships, and 700 men to discover a new world. They arrived with eager willingness, to expand the territories of Spain.  When they landed in Vera Cruz, their eager willingness waned quickly. Because what they discovered were violent natives that they hadn’t prepared for. All of a sudden the crew began to dissent. They began to talk to one another, ‘I want to go home! I don’t like the food! I don’t like somebody chasing me trying to cut off my head! I want to go home!’ Their eager willingness was gone. When Cortez got wind of the dissent, he gave the order; “burn the ships!”

That is commitment. Commitment is taking your passionate desire to do something, drawing a line in the stand, stepping across that line and there is no turning back. That is how we finish strong.

It’s exactly what we see personified by Jesus.  In the Garden of Gethsemane, He was battling over what He knew would happen. Scripture says that the stress and the agony was so intense that literally the capillaries in His skin were bursting under distress and He was literally sweating blood.  He prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me…” Luke 22:42a

Father, if there is any other way, please! And then, something changed. I believe this is the moment where Jesus stepped across the line and there was no turning back, and He says:

“…yet not my will, but yours be done.” Luke22:42b   In that moment, it was on. If we are going to finish strong, we start with commitment, by making a commitment and refusing to turn back.

2. Take the Next Step.

It’s overwhelming to think of all that we need to do.  That’s why many lose hope.  They look at this huge chasm that separates where we are from where God wants us.  You say, “I can’t do it, it’s too much!” Yeah, you can!  With one step, after another step, take baby steps out of my addiction, baby steps to being a foster parent; baby steps to the promise of what God has called us to do and who He has called us to be.

That is why, we see, Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. Psalm 119:105.  God gives us just enough light to take the next step and just enough strength.

What’s your next step? What is it? You don’t have to map out the whole thing. God won’t let you even if you wanted to. What is your next step though?  Is it to cut up the credit cards? Is it to make the phone call? Is it to fill out your resume?  Sign up for a Growth Group?

In the Mexico City Olympics, John Steven Aquari from Tanzania, set out for hopes of an Olympic Gold in the the 26.2 mile marathon race. Sadly, for him and his country, midway through the race, he had a horrible accident.  He fell to the ground, gashing his knee wide open and dislocating his knee from the joint.  All of the other runners left him behind writhing in pain.  Over an hour after the race had been run and all of the other runners had already completed, John Steven Aquari shocked the world.  He hobbled into the stadium limping and fighting his way to the finishing line.  His leg wrapped with a little towel that was blood soaked.  He finished a race that virtually everyone else would have quit.  After the race the interviewers asked John, “Why did you do that?” And he said, “My country did not send me 5,000 miles to start a race, but they sent me 5,000 to finish it.

Some of you have fallen down.  You’ve been hurt, you’re discouraged, you’re not sure you can go on.    God is calling you to finish the race.  God did not send you to earth to start a race, He sent you here to finish it. Commit, take the next step and finish.

I’ll leave you with a verse I love,  He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.  Philippians 1:6

Who began the good work in you?  HE DID.

Who will carry it on to completion?  HE WILL

Jesus can and will strengthen you.

Darrell

For more about the series, “Jesus Can”  go to www.ridgefellowship.com

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Jesus Can Be There When I Ask Why

Have you ever questioned God?   If you have, you’re going straight to hell.  No, not really.  If you don’t hear anything else hear this; it’s ok to question God.

Over 500 times the word “why?” is used in the Bible.  We ask “why” a lot.  God doesn’t get angry when we do.

Jesus asks “why” on the cross.  “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”[i]

Hanging on the cross, “Those who passed by shouted abuse, shaking their heads in mockery. “Save yourself! Come down from the cross, if you are the Son of God!”[ii]

The next three words really hit the heart of their mockery when they said: “He trusted God.”[iii]

They were saying, “Where is your God? You’re trusting him?

Now admittedly, if you were there looking on at Jesus hanging on the cross, you might say something like they did as well. He trusts in God? Where is his God now? Because if you would have seen Him, you would have been deeply disturbed, because Scripture tells us very clearly what they did to Jesus. They beat Him and abused Him so severely, that He didn’t even look like a human being.[iv] There He is, looking more like an animal than a man, hanging naked on the cross, and they were saying, “You still trust in God? Where is He now? Where is He now?”

You see, it’s very easy to trust in God when things are going well, but it’s difficult to trust in God, for many of us, when bad things happen.

That’s where we all live at some time or another and you ask why? I don’t understand. And the reality is, we have to understand that we are not always going to understand. That’s truth, because we only see part of the story. We can’t understand everything from God’s perspective.

But the good news is that God’s Word gives us 4 things that we need to remember when we don’t understand our circumstances and ask “why?”.

1. God is good. [v]  We tend to project our present situation on God. When bad things happen we think God. But, our God transcends circumstances. That’s what we hold onto.  Cancer is bad, but God is good. Abuse is bad, but God is good. War is bad, but God is still good; forever, and it will never change. He is always good.

2.   God is for me.[vi]  Just think about how ridiculous this is. God made everything. He breathed the stars into space, and yet Scripture says He is for you. What circumstance could dare phase you? The all powerful God is your supporter; He believes in you, He has a dream and a purpose that is beyond the confusion of today.

3. God is with me.[vii] There are over 365 promises of God, one for every day of the year. Do you know what the most repeated promise is? I will be with you.  Jesus reminded his disciples of this after his resurrection, “And be sure of this, even until the end, I am with you.” Matthew 28:20

4. God has a purpose.[viii]  In all things God has a purpose. Now back to the cross, the purpose that many failed to see:

When Jesus said, “My God, why have you forsaken me” He was quoting Psalm 22:1. Psalm 22 is messianic prophecy that says the messiah will have his hands and feet pierced, people will mock him and cast lots for his clothes.  By saying, “My God why…” he was showing all who were there (they would have known the Old Testament well) to see that Psalm 22 had been fulfilled before their very eyes!

When everyone around the cross didn’t understand, the cross had purpose: “He was pierced for our transgressions, the punishment that was upon him brought us peace.” [ix] God made him sin, so that we can become the righteousness of God in Christ.[x]

So, no matter what you’re going through; never, ever forget that God is good. He is for you, and He will never, ever leave you.  There is a purpose behind everything. Jesus is there when you ask why.

Darrell

For more about the series, “Jesus Can” go to www.ridgefellowship.com

[i] Matthew 27:46

[ii] Matthew 27:39-42

[iii] Matthew 27:43

[iv] Isaiah 52:14

[v] Mark 10:18

[vi] Romans 8:31

[vii] Hebrews 13:5

[viii] Romans 8:28

[ix] Isaiah 53:5

[x] Isaiah 53:11

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Jesus Can Forgive Me

Do you ever feel like really bad person?   Perhaps even too bad for Jesus to love or forgive?  I meet a lot of people who carry around a lot guilt and condemnation; I have felt that way too.  Jesus was crucified between two criminals (Luke 23:33). They were two really bad people. The Bible doesn’t tell us much about the two thieves, we don’t know where they were from, we don’t know how old they were, we don’t know what they did to deserve death. But we do know that both of them interacted with Jesus.

One of the criminals, he looked at Jesus and he hurled insults at Him, The other one had a very short and simple conversation that changed his eternity and it just might change yours. He looked at Jesus and said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”

Jesus looked at the criminal and said the most remarkable, grace-filled words in history when He said, “Today you will be with me in paradise.”

I love how Jesus interacts with this criminal on the cross.  It’s such a great picture of the forgiveness!  Jesus still extends this same forgiveness and hope of eternal life to all who would accept it.

Let me ask some obvious questions:

Did the criminal (who was going to be with Jesus in paradise) have the ability to get off the cross and get baptized?  Did he have the ability to serve or do any good works? Give an offering? Say “Hail Mary’s”?  Nope.  He did just 2 things.   The same 2 things you and I must do to be forgiven.

What did he do?

  1. He admitted his wrongdoing.  He confessed his sins.  Here’s what he says,

“We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.”  Luke 23:41

Notice he did not confess each sin individually.  I’ve heard people say, “you committed your sins individually, you should confess them individually.”   Not here!  This guy has what I call a “blanket confession.”   “I messed up.”  “I’ve blown it.”  And that was good enough for Jesus.   It still is.

2.  The second thing that he does is call out to Jesus.  He said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” Jesus answered him, “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.” Luke 23:42-43

Notice he vocalizes his request. I think this is important because it goes beyond just thinking about it.  When I knew I wanted to marry my wife Niki, I moved beyond just thinking about it to asking personally, “Niki, will you marry me?”  Let’s say you are supposed to call someone but only thought about it.  Did you call?   When it comes to Jesus, move beyond just thinking, “He’s a good teacher, he died on the cross, he rose from the dead, I believe in Jesus.”  Make the call.  “Jesus will you save me?”  “Jesus forgive me.”

This passage, perhaps above all others, illustrates one of the most important truths in life and corrects one of the biggest misunderstandings in the world today. One of the most common misunderstandings is that, “good people go to heaven.”  Nobody is sure how good, but, most people today want to believe, “I’m not as bad as others, I hope I’m good enough, if I try really hard and I’m a good person that I will go to heaven.”

This passage illustrates perfectly: Good people do not go to heaven. Forgiven people go to heaven. There is a huge difference! Good people do not go to heaven, because in reality, none of us are good. Scripture says that God alone is good and that all of us fall short of the standard of God.  The good news is, good people do not go to heaven, forgiven people go to heaven.

Have you been forgiven? Just admit your wrong and call out to Jesus.  That’s it.

Darrell

For more about the series, “Jesus Can” go to

www.ridgefellowship.com

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