Upwards Church

Forgiveness is not the same as restoring a relationship. 

 This is one of the most misunderstood concepts about forgiveness.  Some of you are afraid to forgive because you’re afraid you’re going to have to go back with that person.  And you’ll have to be their best friend again or you’ll have to remarry them or whatever.

Restoring relationship and forgiveness are two different things, the Bible teaches.  Forgiveness in some instances happens quickly based on decision.  Trust must be built over a long period of time.  The Bible says that those are two different things.  Forgiveness says, “I am releasing you.”  I will not take vengeance. But it doesn’t guarantee that the relationship will be restored.  Those are two different issues. 

So what is forgiveness?

Four Greek words, in the New Testament are used to express the concept of forgiveness:

There are two main terms:  one is a financial or accounting term.  If a  person is released from an obligation, such as a loan or debt, then that person is then forgiven.  What if your mortgage company called and said, “Congratulations you have been released from your obligation to pay out your debt!” That’s good news.

 The next concept is judicial term.  We hear of a judge that has “dismissed” the charges against a defendant. That person is then forgiven of any wrongdoing. 

 The other term means to “put aside” and the last term means to an means to “put away” 

 So the definintion of Forgiveness is  “to dismiss, to release, to let go.

 For Human Relationships to be Restored, three things need to occur that that are totally unrelated to forgiveness:

 1.   The person should demonstrate genuine repentance.  They have to show that they’re genuinely sorry before the relationship can be rebuilt.  Genuine repentance means a change in their lifestyle.  The word repentance means a change of mind, which then changes behavior.  This should be evident to restore a relationship.

 2.  They have to make restitution whenever possible for the damage done.  Restitution means to pay back or to make right to compensate for the damages.  Restitution needs to take place in a restored relationship

 3.  The offender must rebuild your trust by proving they have changed over time.   It is like being on parole. 

  “It is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.”  1 Corinthians 4:2   When the Bible says to put our trust in God this is huge but it’s based on God’s faithfulness.  For trust there must be something trustworthy to trust in.  It takes time.

 Those are totally different from forgiveness.  If somebody repeatedly wrongs you over and over – let’s say somebody in your family or work or a former friend or a former spouse – somebody who repeatedly hurts you over and over and over.  You’re obligated by God to forgive that person over and over and over.  But you are not obligated to trust that person or instantly restore the relationship.

 Example:  An abusive alcoholic spouse batters his wife or her husband and does it repeatedly over and over until finally the spouse says, “No more!  You’re harming me.  You’re harming the kids.  You’re out of here.”  And they come back and they say, “I’m so sorry.  I’m ashamed of what I’ve done.  Please forgive me.  Will you forgive me?”  You are obligated as a Christian to say, “Yes, I do forgive you.”  Then they say, “OK!  So I can come back home?”  That’s another story!  You have to prove the trust.

It takes more that forgiveness to build a relationship.  It takes trust.  And trust is built over time.  They say, “But wait!  You’ve forgiven me.  Can’t we just go back to the way things were?”  No.  Trust must be rebuilt.

 Next we’ll look at the last myth, “Forgiveness is forgetting what happened.’

 Darrell

 Sources:

Building My Life on Values that Last – Rick Warren

International Standard Bible Encyclopaedia, Electronic Database Copyright (c)1996 by Biblesoft) 

The Gift of Forgiveness – Charles Stanley

“Forgiveness is one of the most widely misunderstood doctrines of Scripture.”[i]  There are a lot of myths.   Let’s take a quick quiz to see you score on the topic.

Can you tell which of the following statements are true or false?

“If they don’t ask, I don’t forgive.”                                                               T or F

“To forgive I should minimize the offense & the pain caused.”               T or F

 “Forgiveness includes restored trust.”                                                         T or F  

  “If I haven’t forgotten, I haven’t forgiven.”                                                T or F

As I look at the Bible and what Jesus says, I’ve discovered that all four of those statements are false.

 FORGIVENESS, WHAT IT IS NOT…

• Bargaining

  Forgiveness is not “Let’s make a deal!” If you say to someone “I’ll forgive you if…” that’s not forgiveness.  That’s called bargaining.  Forgiveness is not based on somebody else’s response.  Real forgiveness is not earned.  It’s not deserved.  It’s not bargained for.  It’s not paid for.  It’s not based on some promise that you’ll never do it again.  “I forgive you if…” is not forgiveness at all.  Genuine forgiveness is unconditional. 

What if Jesus had said when He prayed, “Father forgive them if they ask for it.”  The truth is nobody had asked for it when Jesus prayed on the cross.  “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they’re doing.”  Genuine forgiveness is unconditional.  It is offered whether it’s ever asked for or not.  So he taught: “Forgive men when they sin against you” Matthew 6:14

• Minimizing grief.

  Forgiveness is not minimizing the seriousness of the offense.  It’s not saying, “It’s not a big deal.”  Or “It’s OK.  It didn’t really hurt me.”  Or if somebody tries to ask forgiveness, you say, “Don’t worry about it.  It’s no big deal.  It didn’t hurt.”  That is not forgiveness.    “If anyone has caused grief, forgive him” 2 Corinthians 2:5

When you have a hurt or a grief, it is a big deal.  It is real so don’t dismiss it.

However, there is a difference between being “offended” and being hurt.  Those are two different things.  Being offended is over little things or something that may have been accidental.   It is my opinion, when you are offended, that does not require forgiveness.  Let face it some of us get offended pretty easy. You just need patience and acceptance at that.  But when you’re wronged, intentionally hurt by someone, that requires forgiveness.

For example, let’s say you don’t like the way I dress.  Maybe I offend your fashion consciousness.  I don’t need forgiveness I need help! Or maybe you don’t like the fact that I went to A&M.  It bothers you.  I don’t need your forgiveness.  I need your prayers! I haven’t really harmed you intentionally.  Forgiveness is reserved for the serious stuff, when you’re hurt intentionally or hurt as a result of selfishness or carelessness.   

When you are hurt by abuse of any kind, unfaithfulness lies, deceit or deception these are real and they hurt.  You have been wronged.  Don’t minimize these.  Forgiveness doesn’t either.  Forgiveness acknowledges the hurt and then releases the person. 

Next time we’ll look at the myth, “ Forgiveness restores a relationship without changes”

Darrell

Sources:

Forgiveness is one of the most Christ-like things you can do.   If we love someone the way Christ loves us, we will be willing to forgive. If we have experienced God’s grace, we will want to pass it on to others. And remember, grace is undeserved favor.

 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

Because God has forgiven all our sins, we should not withhold forgiveness from others. Realizing how completely Christ has forgiven us should produce a free and generous attitude of forgiveness toward others.   How should we forgive someone? The way Christ has forgiven you.

  Forgiveness is different from the way the world operates.  In this day of constant lawsuits and incessant demands for legal rights, the Bible’s command sounds almost impossible. When someone hurts you deeply, instead of giving him what he deserves, we are to forgive him. Why forgive our enemies?

1.  Forgiveness may break a cycle of retaliation.  If you return hurt for hurt, when does it end?  You could end up even more hurt in the long run.
2.  It may make the enemy feel ashamed and change his or her ways.   It may even be possible for the relationship to change for the better.
3. Even if your enemy never acknowledges their wrong, forgiving him or her will free you of a heavy load of bitterness.  It also means that you did what God asked of you.  

 ¹⁹ Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. ²⁰ On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”  Romans 12:19-20

By giving your enemy a drink, we’re not excusing their behavior. We’re forgiving them, and loving them in spite of their sins—just as Christ did for us.

Forgiveness involves both attitudes and actions. If you find it difficult to feel forgiving of those who have hurt you, try responding with kind actions. Pray for them, give them a helping hand. Send them a gift. Smile at them. Many times you will discover that right actions lead to right feelings.

 Forgiveness goes both ways.

 If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15)

Jesus gives a startling warning about forgiveness: if we refuse to forgive others, God will also refuse to forgive us. Why? Because when we don’t forgive others, we are denying our common ground as sinners in need of God’s forgiveness. God’s forgiveness of sin is not the direct result of our forgiving others, but it is based on our realizing what forgiveness means. It is easy to ask God for forgiveness, but difficult to grant it to others. Whenever we ask God to forgive us for sin, we should ask ourselves, “Have I forgiven the people who have wronged me?”

  Forgiveness does not keep track of offenses.

 Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” (Matthew 18:21)

 The rabbis taught that people should forgive those who offend them—but only three times. Peter, trying to be especially generous, asked Jesus if seven (the “perfect” number) was enough times to forgive someone. But Jesus answered, “Seventy times seven,” meaning that we shouldn’t even keep track of how many times we forgive someone.

 Give the greatest gift of all this Christmas, the gift of forgiveness.

Darrell

For more about the series The Gift of Forgiveness, go to www.ridgefellowship.com  

Sources:  

Handbook of Bible Application

International Standard Bible Encyclopedia

New International Version of the Bible