Drama Free Church

Posted on October 7, 2015 by dkoop

businesscard-3.5inx2in-h-frontThe church has so much potential.  It was started by Jesus to change the world.  It will grow and it will last forever.  For more exciting things about the church, click here.

With all its great potential, we limit the church’s effectiveness by the drama we bring in.

Here are 4 things that, in my opinion, would help church become more effective.  For a Drama Free Church lets:

  1. Handle Conflict Correctly

The church should be the best in the world at handling conflict. We were taught by Jesus exactly how to do so.

15  “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. 16  But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. 17  If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.  Matthew 18:

Did you get that?  There are 3 clear steps Jesus gives us:

  1. Go PRIVATELY to the person who offended you. If they listen its WIN for everyone!

Yet we often side step. We talk about other people rather than to people.

We then cause more trouble by gossiping, backbiting and tearing others down which only makes our conflict worse as others are now involved!  There are always three sides to any conflict: your side, their side and the truth.  When you talk about someone to someone else, it’s not only wrong but is only ½ of the story.

2. Secondly from this passage, if they don’t listen initially then take someone else and go back to them. Since conflict resolution is so important, our staff and leaders are glad to sit down with parties in conflict and help them resolve it.  It’s the biblical thing to do.

3 It’s rare that our church leadership has meeting with a trouble maker who will not listen, so 99% of the time if we will follow the first two steps outlined by Jesus everything works out.

From personal experience in dealing with church conflict I would also add:

  1. Be courageous. Don’t be a coward.  Go to the person that offended you.  Don’t down play it, or hope it goes away.  I don’t like conflict any more than the next person.  I’ve had my share of cowardly experiences.   I’ve learned from mentors and my own failures to “Run to conflict not from it.”
  2. Be clear. There are times, when I’ll ask someone who is complaining about someone else. “Did you talk to them?” “Yes” is the answer. But what really happened was a very unclear conversation spoken around the real issue.  The offended person spoke in some kind of code, hoping the other person would pick it up.  They didn’t.  Be clear.
  3. Be honest. If you’re hurt, own it. If you’re offended, be honest.  Talking to others about a problem with someone else is wrong.  When someone comes to you to apologize for something they said or did because it got back to them.  Don’t say, “its no big deal.”  Be honest.

If we just handled conflict courageously, clearly and honestly we would be so much better.  It’s so important, we teach this in our membership class.

When we handle conflict in a healthy way, our church is healthy.

And a healthy church is a church that can help other people get healthy.

  1. Steer Clear of Politics

God is not a Republican or a Democrat, Conservative or Liberal, God is God.

Some act as if a political party is the savior of our nation.  No! Jesus is our savior.  Others act as if the savior of our nation is a political candidate.  Sorry, our savior is Jesus.   Some people want our church to be more vocal about politics.  We have our marching orders from Jesus and they do not include politics.

If our church becomes a mouthpiece for a political party, we cease to be the church.

The church is the bride of Christ and we will not prostitute her by involving ourselves in politics.

Why?  Here’s a tongue and cheek definition of “Politics.”  Poli means “many.”  Ticks are “blood sucking creatures.”  Why would we waste our time talking about a bunch of blood suckers?

Our job is to share the Gospel, not to change the government!

Jesus and Paul spend surprisingly little time trying to influence the government.   Jesus completely rejected the idea of becoming the government when people asked him to become their political leader.

Jesus spent about zero time asking the government to change during his ministry. In fact, when he appeared before the Roman governor and was asked about being a king, he replied that his Kingdom is not of this world.

The Apostle Paul appeared before government officials regularly. Not once did he ask them to change the laws of the land.

He did, however, invite government officials to have Jesus personally change them.

Paul constantly suffered at the hands of the authorities, ultimately dying under their power, but like Jesus, didn’t look to them for change.

Rather than asking the government to release him from prison, he wrote letters from prison talking about the love of Jesus Christ.

Instead of looking to the government for help, Paul and Jesus looked to God.

None of us in the West are suffering nearly as radically as Jesus and Paul suffered at the hands of a government. In fact, in the US, our government protects our freedom to assemble and even disagree with others. Plus, it gives us tax breaks for donations.

We honestly don’t have it that hard.  Why are we that set on trying to change policies or laws?  Politics is downstream in its ability to truly change anything.  As a church we are upstream: we change hearts with Jesus which changes lives, which changes families, which changes history and legacies!

What can we do for the government and it’s leaders?

2  Pray this way for kings and all who are in authority so that we can live peaceful and quiet lives marked by godliness and dignity. 3  This is good and pleases God our Savior, 4  who wants everyone to be saved and to understand the truth. 1 Timothy 2:1-4

  1. Stop Condemning Some Sins While Ignoring Others

As people that have come to know Jesus for a while, we can become comfortable with all the grace we have received.  If we are not careful we may think we have “arrived” and begin to focus on the moral failings of others while ignoring our own.  Since our mission is to KNOW Christ and GROW to be like Him, that means we have not arrived but will continue to be grateful for what Christ has done for us and continue to GROW by serving others, praying for others and giving generously.

Some pretend that the worst sin you can commit is sexual, or drunkenness or something else we now have victory over.  Don’t get me wrong—these have serious implications.

But so does gossip, divisiveness, gluttony and laziness—sins we routinely ignore. Mostly because we commit them.

I think that just as many congregations have been ruined by gossip, divisiveness and laziness as have been stained by sexual sin or drunkenness.  But you’d never know it given the way we talk about sin.

I’m all for surrendering our sexuality or heavy drinking habits to Christ. But I’m also all for submitting our tendency to gossip, overeat, our divisiveness and our laziness to Jesus and dealing with that seriously.

If we humbly confessed our sins first, others would be more likely to come to terms with their sins.

22  But the Scriptures declare that we are all prisoners of sin, so we receive God’s promise of freedom only by believing in Jesus Christ.  Galatians 3:21-22

 We are all sinners who are saved by grace by believing in Jesus Christ.   The first part of our mission is to “KNOW Christ” and this how.

So here’s an idea. Instead of pretending someone else’s sin is worse than your sin, confess your sin.

You’ll be in such a better place if you do that. And so will they.  You might actually be able to help them.   We will “GROW to be like Christ” as we focus on “growing me and serving others.”

  1. Stop Judging Outsiders

We in the modern church have largely ignored Paul’s injunction to stop judging non-Christians.

12 It isn’t my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning.   13  God will judge those on the outside; but as the Scriptures say, “You must remove the evil person from among you.”   1 Corinthians 5:12-13

Even Jesus said he didn’t come into the world to judge it, but to save it.

I completely get the urge to judge our neighbors and even the world. Things bother me too.

But I have to refrain. Our faith in Christ demands it.

The outside world has a judge. And it’s not you.

He’s fairer than you. He’s more just than you, more perfect than you and far more accurate.

In the meantime, do your best to help reconcile your brothers and sister in the world to their heavenly father through Christ.

At The Ridge we will focus on growing people inside our church.  Holding them accountable and helping them take next steps. We will pray for and invite those outside our church.

If our job is the reach the world… judgment is a terrible evangelism strategy.

People don’t line up to be judged.   They will line up to be loved.

So love people, especially the people with whom you disagree.  Pray for them. That’s what we all really need.  Minister to them and invite them to church.

So let’s all agree to handle conflict correctly. Look to God not politics or government for true change. Confess my sins, not worry about others sins, love, pray and invite for those outside of the church.  That will reduce the drama of the church and will move the mission of our church forward.

Darrell

www.RidgeFellowship.com

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Drama Free Kids Part 2 -Affirmation

Posted on October 5, 2015 by dkoop

businesscard-3.5inx2in-h-frontIn the last post we looked at the fact that although parenting is challenging, we can be hopeful as we learn how our heavenly Father relates to us.  We noted the importance of Accepting our Children’s Uniqueness.  Next we’ll see that we need to…

Affirm Their Value

It’s not enough to just accept your child’s uniqueness you have to take a step further and affirm their value to them.  Many parents accept their kids the way they are but they don’t communicate that acceptance to their kids.  Their kids don’t feel valued even though the parents really think they are.

Psalm 139:13-14 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful” There is no baby that’s born by accident.  Even if a parent didn’t plan a pregnancy, God knew this baby was going to come into the world and even as that baby was being formed in the mother’s body, He shaped the baby in an incredible and wonderful way.

As parents, it is our job to convey that value to our kids.  Here are three deliberate and intentional ways: 

  1. Affection One of the most important ways to tell somebody that you matter is through touch, physical affection.  Touching.  Physical contact, hugs, kisses, pats on the back, rubbing the back.  If you didn’t grow up in a family like that, you can learn it!  *Studies have shown that fathers are one-sixth as physically affectionate toward their kids as mothers are.  Fathers, have courage, to hug and kiss your kids.  Love your kids.  Show affection for them.  Show them you care.  Come home with hugs and kisses, not burps and gas.  A touch can re-energize a person, especially when they are uptight.  Sometime today give a loving touch to every member of your family.

You may not have grown up in a physically expressive family and it comes hard for you, difficult.  But don’t rob your kids of what you were robbed of. You know how much sometimes you really hurt and wish somebody would just give you a hug.  If you know that, make sure you pass that on to your kids..

  1. Affirmation. The way we talk. We shape our kids by the way we talk to them all the time.  Do you talk down to them?  Or do you talk to them as people, little people?  The way we talk, affirm, build up instead of tear down — we’re on the same team!  Don’t make fun of your kids!  Build them up. Encourage them.  When was the last time you set down eyeball to eyeball and looked your kids in the eye, not on the run — in the eye and said, “If I had it all to do over again, I’d still choose you as my child.  If I had a choice of any kid in the world, I’d still choose you.”

One of the things I want to teach my kids is it’s OK to fail if you try.  I want that message to come through loud and clear. I want my kids to take risks in life.  I want them to go for it! I want them to try new things.  I want them to be people of faith when they grow up.  In order to teach people to be that way you have to teach them not to fear failure, that it is OK to fail as long as you try.  I want our family to be a place where the kids can come home and say, “I tried today but I blew it at school!” and they are affirmed not put down.  They are loved and built up again.  And their empty tank of self esteem is refilled.  I want to create an environment where it’s OK to fail and they will still get affirmed.  Everybody affirms when you get straight A’s, when you hit the home run, when you win the contest.  What about the time when you lose? and they don’t meet up to your standards or expectations?  That’s when they need to be affirmed.

  1. Attention. This is probably the number one way kids sense that they are loved.  How do kids spell love? TIME  We have so many absentee fathers today.  They’re never around. Cornell University did a study and attached little microphones to kids and they monitored them for weeks.  They found that in America the average father spends on a per day basis 37.7 seconds talking to his children.  Compare that to the fact that they’re probably watching 2-4 hours a day of television.  Where are they getting their values?  Where are your kids learning about God? The missing link in what’s happening in so many families today is just time together.  That’s the missing element.  We are living separate lives, going a million different directions.

The missing factor in most families today is the time factor.  We don’t spend a lot of time together.  Parents are going in one direction, kids are going in another direction, our lives are frantic and busy.  Business fills a schedule but it fractures a family.  Two specific ways that you can give attention and show your kids how much they are valuable to you.

(a)  Focused attention.  Eye contact.  When you give eye contact with someone, you are giving the gift of yourself. You are saying to that person, “I am here with you.  Not just in body, but my whole mind, body and soul are engaged in what you have to say.  I’m going to look you right in the eye and let you know how valuable you are to me.”  Some of you are really good at doing more than one thing at once. You can read the paper, watch tv, and write a report.  It’s amazing how you can accomplish three things at once.  Your child walks into the room and says, “Mom, I want to talk to you about something” and you say, “Yes, go on”.  It is when you stop and look up and look them right in the eye, then they know that you’re listening and you care.

One of the first ways you can give value to your kids is to look them in the eye.

(b)  Mealtimes.  Family mealtimes have basically gone the way of the dinosaur in America today.  There was a study in Homelife magazine and it showed that well adjusted teenagers tend to spend more meals with their families than poorly adjusted teenagers.  The study said it’s not certain whether it’s the stories the teens share about their days, parental intervention, a sense of fellowship, or some other factor that helps teens adjust to the challenges of adolescence, but the conclusion is that any meal that you have with your teens is the most important meal of the day.

 In the next post we’ll look at Entrusting our Kids with Responsibility

http://www.RidgeFellowship.com

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4 Exciting Things about The Church

Posted on October 4, 2015 by dkoop

businesscard-3.5inx2in-h-frontThe Church has survived persistent abuse, horrifying persecution, and widespread neglect. Yet despite its faults (due to our sinfulness), it is still God’s chosen instrument of blessing and has been for 2,000 years.  Here are four exciting things about the church you may not know…

  1. Its Size

More than 2 billion people claim to be followers of Jesus Christ. That’s one third of the world’s population! The Church has about a billion more people than the entire nation of China.

For example, about 100 million people in the United States went to church this past weekend. That’s more people than will attend sporting events in the U.S. throughout this year! The Church is the largest force for good in the world. Nothing else even comes close.

  1. Its Distribution.

The Church is everywhere in the world. There are villages that have little else, but they do have a church. You could visit millions of village around the world that don’t have a school, a clinic, a hospital, a fire department, or a post office. They don’t have any businesses. But they do have a church. The Church is more widely spread — more widely distributed — than any business franchise in the world.

Consider this: The Red Cross noted that 90 percent of the meals they served to victims of Hurricane Katrina were actually cooked by Southern Baptist churches. Many churches were able to jump into action faster than the government agencies or the Red Cross.

Why? The Church is literally everywhere, and Christians who could provide help to the Gulf Coast communicated with Christians in need of help so relief could be sent immediately.

3. Its Growth

Did you know that every day 60,000 new people come to believe in Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior? By the end of today, thousands of new churches will be started throughout the world, and that will happen tomorrow and the next day and the next.

In one country that is closed to traditional Christian missions, more than 60,000 house churches have been started in one province by the work of people like you and me.

Why is fast expansion important? If you’ve got a problem that’s growing at a rapid rate, then you need a solution that will grow even more rapidly. For instance, HIV/AIDS is growing at an incredibly fast rate in the world. Yet thank God the Church is outgrowing the disease, so more and more believers can help minister to those with HIV/AIDS.

4.  Its Stability

The Church has been around for 2,000 years. We’re not a fly-by-night operation. The Church has a track record that spans centuries: Malicious leaders have tried to destroy it, hostile groups have persecuted it, and skeptics have scoffed at it. Nevertheless, God’s Church is bigger now than ever before in history.

Why? Because it’s the Church that Jesus established, and it is indestructible. The Bible calls the Church an unshakable kingdom. In Matthew 16, Jesus says, “I will build my Church and all the powers of hell will not conquer it.” All the powers of Hell — in other words, no hurricane, no earthquake, no tsunami, no famine, no pandemic, no army will ever conquer the Church established by Jesus Christ.  It will last forever.

It is a great privilege and an awesome responsibility to be a part of The Church!

Darrell

http://www.RidgeFellowship.com

Source:  Adapted from Rick Warren‘s missions strategy, The PEACE Plan.
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Drama Free Marriage

Posted on September 30, 2015 by dkoop

businesscard-3.5inx2in-h-frontDrama Free Marriage?  It may not sound possible but If you do this ONE thing, you can reduce drama dramatically. As the divorce rate continues to hover at the 50% mark in America, I have thought a lot about what causes problems in marriages.  Why don’t people stay together?  I’ve asked pastors, counselors, and therapists what is the secret to keeping a marriage together.?  There is one word.   Also you will keep drama to a minimum if you avoid using ONE WORD.   We’ll look at both of these words in this post.

Let’s start with the blueprints from God, he’s the architect and gives us the foundation for marriage.  I read recently about a neighborhood outside of Chicago.  It was a nice neighborhood, and well-kept for a few years.  Before long there were major potholes and the foundations of the homes began caving in.  They called in a team of inspectors and discovered that the entire neighborhood had been built on a garbage dump; built on trash.   God’s foundation for marriage will keep it strong.  Where do we find the foundation?  Genesis 2:24.

24  For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (NIV)

The foundation is to leave everything from your past.  Leave, not forget, not ignore but leave them sufficiently to form a new and lasting bond with your spouse.   A strong foundation is found in the new bond.  Two people becoming one.

Leaving literally means to break your dependence.  It’s to cut the emotional umbilical cord.  Your relationship to your parents changes the moment you’re married.  It’s like a brand new baby cannot live if the cord is not cut from the mother.  A marriage cannot make it if you don’t psychologically leave your parents.

This is not about geography.  You can live next door to your parents, see them everyday and be psychologically independent.  Or they can live 3000 miles away on the other side of the country and be dependent upon them.

When Niki was in Physical Theraphy School,  her last semester and right before we got married  she had an affiliation at Brackenridge in Austin and moved in with her parents.  They butted heads.  She was an adult but felt her mom and Dad were treating her like a child.  She said when we got married, “Your stuck with me because I’m not moving back in with them!”  I’m so grateful because she didn’t have any place to go when we have had hard times and it forced us to work it out!  It forced us to work on our problems.

What is God saying?  He’s saying that your partner should not have to compete with your parents.  It’s unrealistic.  It puts all kinds of pressure on a marriage and it makes wives feel insecure and it makes husbands feel inadequate.  So let go of parents.

Also let go of your past relationships.  Contrary to the Willie Nelson and Julio Iglesias song,  “FORGET all the girls you’ve loved before!”  You’ve got to let go of them.  Focus on this relationship.   If you don’t let go of other people, you will fall into the trap of comparison.

Lastly let go of the problems from your past.  Your marriage is going to have enough problems on its own.  You don’t need to drag in ones from the past to help it out.  Most people, I’ve discovered, are totally unaware of the excess baggage they bring into a relationship when they get married; baggage such as hurt, guilt, grief, and un-forgiveness.  Unresolved anger that we carry into a marriage from the past, we tend to take out on our spouses.   We emotionally vomit on them.  And they say, “What did I do?”

There’s only one solution.  Confession.  Forgiveness.  We ask forgiveness from God, we accept forgiveness from God and then we offer forgiveness to those who’ve hurt us.

“A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.”  The word “be united” is translated from the  Hebrew word “dawbak” it literally means to glue together, to paste together, to adhere to.  It means to stick, to super glue.  Like in welding.  The bond becomes stronger than the two pieces you welded together. That’s what marriage is to be.

To be united is an act of commitment.  It means to say “I do”.  The problem with our marriages is that so many people who say “I do” — don’t.  Instead of marrying for better and for worse, people ought to just marry for good.  “I do” — a commitment.

Commitment, it’s the ONE thing to do to reduce Drama in your marriage.

What is God saying?  God is saying good marriages are a result of choice, not chance.  They don’t just happen.  They’re the result of choices you make.  Good marriages are a result of commitments, not convenience.

Some of you feel  “I am trapped!  And I don’t know how to get out of this relationship.  I’ve got more than I bargained for — false advertising!  What I thought I was getting was not what I got.”  You think you’re stuck.  What do you do?  There’s nothing more hopeless than feeling like you’re trapped in a relationship that you cannot get out of.  What are you going to do?

The first commitment we made and this is what uniting means — we will never, never, never divorce.  We said we’ll never, never divorce.  It was not an option for us.

Some of you are already divorced.  I’m not talking about your past.  Your past is over.  I’m talking about if you’re in a relationship now or if you ever plan to be in a relationship.  If I ever marry again or if I’m married right now, I will not divorce.

The other commitment that we made was this: We will do whatever it takes and whatever it costs for as long as it takes to make this marriage work.  Whatever it takes, no matter what it costs. That’s what it means to be united.  Christian counseling?  OK

If you’re struggling in your marriage why not take one of our Marriage Growth Groups?  There is one in Jarrell on Monday nights, click here to sign up, scroll down to Intimate Encounters  One in Taylor on Friday nights, click here to sign up, scroll down to Intimate Encounters  .  And Marriage workshops on Saturdays, click here to sign up and scroll down to Keeping Marriages Healthy  After you take a marriage workshop you are eligible for free counseling.  That’s right, The Ridge Fellowship offers FREE counseling from an intern that is about to be licensed.

God says, Keep your commitments.  Even if it’s painful.  You will never build a great marriage unless you throw out the option of divorce from your mind.  As long as divorce is a possibility back in the back of your mind, you’ll never build a great marriage.  It is always too easy to walk out than it is to rebuild a relationship.  It’s always easier to run, than it is to rebuild.  But it is always more rewarding to rebuild than it is to run.

Niki and I said, “Divorce is not an option for us.”  Murder, maybe!  But divorce no. We locked the escape hatch on our marriage the night we got married and threw away the key.  We said, “I don’t care how miserable we are we’re going to make this marriage work.”

Because it was not an option, I made a promise to God and so did you.  When you got married you didn’t make a promise to a pastor.  You didn’t make a promise to a judge.  You said before God, “Till death do us part.”

One of the reasons why people don’t keep commitments is because they don’t know the meaning of commitment.  Commitment really means: Being willing to be unhappy until we work it out.  That may be a while, even years later.  Commitment means I’m going to stay with you as long as it takes because I made a commitment to God and regardless of what you choose to do, I’m going to be committed.

The greatest enemy of commitment is what’s called “the myth of incompatibility.”  That is the most unscientific word which has absolutely no basis in reality.  Two quotes from two of the top eminent psychiatrists in the world, Paul Tournier, the Swiss psychiatrist who wrote the book Understand Each Other.  He says, “So called incompatibility is a myth invented by jurists in order to make a plea for divorce.  It is likewise just a common excuse for people to hide their failings.  Misunderstandings and mistakes can be corrected if there is a willingness to do so.”  Incompatibility is really just selfishness and stubbornness.  That’s all it is.  “We’re not compatible.”  That’s saying I’m not willing to change.  I’m not willing to give.  You’re not willing to give.  We’re both selfish and we’re both stubborn.

Dr. Paul Popenough, the director of the Institute of Family Relationships.  He’s written dozens of books on marriage.  He says, “I don’t believe incompatibility exists.  Almost any two people are comparable if they try to be.”

Our marriage is what we make it to be. The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. The grass is greener where you water it!   We learned that if we would take all the energy complaining about our marriage and all the energy comparing our marriage to others and focus on growing our marriage, it got a whole lot better.

Here are two ideas to reduce drama drastically in your marriage.

  1. One word to never use: Never use the “D” word.  What’s the D word?  “Divorce.” If you want a successful marriage you’ve got to eliminate that word  from your vocabulary.  Don’t use it as a threats.  When you get mad you can’t bring up, “I’ll walk out” or “I’m leaving”.  That word is off limits if you want a great marriage.

2.   Stay committed and verbalize your commitment often, “I will be here for you, I am committed to you.”  If you cant do that yet start with “I love you” often.

I pray your marriage is blessed and free from Drama

Darrell

www.RidgeFelllowship.com

 

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