Upwards Church

As you ponder the process of communicating to your school-age child about sex, remember that the primary message you need to give him — more important in the long run than the specific facts and figures — is the importance of…

Respect:

• Respect for the body each of us has been given and for the Creator of that body.
• Respect for the wonder of reproduction.
• Respect for privacy in sexual matters, not only his own, but parents’, friends’ and others’.
• Respect for his future and an understanding that sexual activity can have a profound effect on his health and happiness for the rest of his life.
• Respect for marriage as the appropriate context for sexual expression.

Think in terms of a gradual and relaxed release of information to your child: During the preschool years, begin with the basic naming of body parts and a general understanding of where babies come from, and before puberty begins, progress to full disclosure of the reproductive process.

Young children should know the correct names of their body parts (usually learned during bath time) and gain a basic sense of privacy and modesty for the “bathing suit” areas of the body. While understanding that their genitals are not “bad” or “dirty,” they should also know that they are not intended for public display. Now that diaper days are over, your child should learn that the genital area should be touched only by the child himself, a doctor or nurse during an exam, or a parent for a specific reason. Tell your child that if someone else tries to touch those areas, he should protest noisily, get away and tell you as soon as possible. He must know that you will not be angry or upset with him if this should happen.

It is extremely likely that before age five, and possibly later as well, your child will engage in some form of genital show-and-tell with a sibling or another small child. If and when you discover this in progress, your response should not be overblown. Don’t tell him that you are shocked and terribly ashamed of him, but instead clearly reinforce the privacy rule and remind him about respect for himself and the other child. The same should happen if your child streaks through the house or yard when others are present or exposes himself to someone else to get a reaction. More significant consequences should follow, of course, if you have talked to him about this behavior but he repeats it anyway. Here, however, the issue is obedience more than the specific act itself.

At some point he may barge into the bathroom when you’re in the shower or even wander into the bedroom at a highly inopportune time. Again, don’t overreact, but calmly ask him to leave. Later let him know that there is nothing bad about what he saw, but that it is meant to be private and that he should knock on the door first before coming into your room. Incidentally, once the toddler years have passed, grown-ups should abide by a dress code when the kids are at home: If you’re not wearing enough to be seen by adult houseguests, you’re not wearing enough to be seen by your children.

For “Messages” about the topic of sex from biblical perspective or to see or hear the message, “Talking to My Kids about Sex” go to www.RidgeFellowship.com

Source: Adapted from the Complete Guide to Baby & Child Care, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Copyright © 1999, Focus on the Family.   For more great resources on family, parenting, or marriage go to http://www.focusonthefamily.com

Often movies and sitcoms present a the scene of the sweaty-palmed, birds-and-bees conversation in which Dad stammers through a convoluted description of sex to a child — who knows all of the details already. The humor arises from the tension most parents feel about discussing sex with their kids. (“What if we tell him too much?” “Will this rob him of his innocence?” “What if he starts asking about what we do?”)

What isn’t so funny is the reality that too many children learn about sex from everyone but their parents. Playground slang and obscenity, a distorted description of intercourse from the tough kid up the street, or worst of all, a look at some pornographic material on cable TV or the Internet often provides a child’s first jarring glimpse of sex. What should be seen as the most beautiful, meaningful and private communication between a married couple becomes a freak-show curiosity. “Mom and Dad did that? More than once?!”

Efforts by public schools to correct misinformation from the street and lack of information from home often leave out a critical ingredient: the moral framework within which the facts about reproduction should be presented. Without an ethical context, sex education becomes little more than basic training in anatomy, physiology, infectious diseases and contraception.

Many churches have made efforts to teach biblical principles of sexuality to their youth groups. But youth-group presentations usually begin late in the game (i.e., during the teen years) and rarely involve an on-going dialogue about this subject.

*The best place for a child to learn about sexuality is at home from those who care most about him. 

Anyone can teach the basic facts about reproduction in an hour or two (or they can be read in any of several reference books), but you are in the best position to put this information in the proper context and give it the right perspective over a period of years. There are no cut-and-dried formulas for carrying out this assignment, but keep the following principles in mind:

Giving a child facts about reproduction, including details about intercourse, does not rob him of innocence. Innocence is a function of attitude, not information. A school-age child who understands the specifics of sex, while seeing it as an act that, in the proper context, both expresses love and begins new life, retains his innocence. But a child who knows very little about sex can already have a corrupt mind-set if he has been exposed to it in a degrading, mocking or abusive context.

If you feel squeamish or inhibited about broaching this subject with your child, reflect for a moment about your own attitudes. Do you harbor any feelings that sexual activity, even within the context of marriage, is somehow base or something that God really doesn’t approve of? If you realize that this is an issue for you, some conversations with a church leader, a counselor or both may be in order. Hopefully these discussions, and perhaps a reading of the Song of Solomon and other Bible passages, will alleviate any uneasiness you might harbor regarding God’s attitude toward sexuality. Books that are reliable, informative and honoring to sex, marriage and the Creator of both can also be very helpful. Two good examples are The Gift of Sex: A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment by Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner and Intended for Pleasure by Dr. Ed and Gaye Wheat. But for many people uneasiness about sex may be rooted in life experiences, especially if they involve sexual abuse experienced during childhood, adolescence or even adulthood. It is never too late to address such issues with an individual who has training and experience in this area and can help you work toward healing.

Don’t wait to tell your child everything you know about sex during a single, intense marathon session. Doing so risks either waiting until it’s too late or dumping more in the child’s lap than he can process. Instead, information should be released gradually during many conversations over a period of several years. (The same principle applies to any other area of life — faith, values, responsibilities, relationships, handling money and so on — in which you intend to offer guidance to your child. These subjects are too important to be confined to a single conversation.)

In many instances, you will be giving information on a need-to-know basis. Your five-year-old is probably going to want to know how the baby inside Aunt Susie is going to get out. But your child may not think to ask how the baby got there, and you don’t need to broach the subject at that time. On the other hand, if you haven’t yet had any discussions about reproduction with your ten-year-old, you will need to take the initiative to start some conversations. She has already heard all sorts of things on the playground and needs to hear from more reputable and mature sources.

What if your child asks you questions you can’t answer? Be honest, and then do some research. You gain far more stature in your child’s eyes by showing candor than by bluffing. You may not have a detailed knowledge of the intricacies of the menstrual cycle or the developmental stages of puberty, but you’re never too old to learn.

For more about the topic of sex from biblical perspective or to see or hear the message, “Talking to My Kids about Sex” go to www.RidgeFellowship.com

Source: Adapted from the Complete Guide to Baby & Child Care, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Copyright © 1999, Focus on the Family.  For more great resources on family, parenting, or marriage go to http://www.focusonthefamily.com